when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
