what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
