Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
