Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
