just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
