I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
