found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.