you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.