I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.