seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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