wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
