Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
