Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i've created a new STD.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
