plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
