Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
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i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
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Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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