I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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