I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
