I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
