Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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