as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
