so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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