I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize