If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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