Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
