Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
