I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
