Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
