dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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