Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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