My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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