My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
