"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
