I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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