i don't like sucking hair
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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