I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
