I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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