drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
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Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
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because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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