Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
