My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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