i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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