I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
