bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
