I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
