Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
