I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
