I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
