I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
