Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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