Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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