When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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