so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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