I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
