So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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