here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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