Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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