Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
