Can Purell be used as lube?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
