When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Drake has all the answers
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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