someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
we should paint friendship bongs
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