You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
