Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
